light in my vessel

It's been such a crazy month.  I've tried to write about it several times but it hurts and the words don't come out right.  M fell pretty hard and for whatever reason, this time it hit especially deep.  I've spent the month trying to find purpose in this pain.  I remembered again how to pray with my whole heart.  Each day asking for enough strength to make it through ONE day at a time.  Daily bread.  Crying my eyes out to Heavenly Father because it is so hard to cry in front of anyone else.

Oh, and I started working through the Twelve Steps.  The hard realization is there is no way a girl can live with an addict for fourteen years and NOT come away with baggage.   Each day I'm seeking light for my vessel.  Either in the scriptures or the temple.  And I'm feeling better.  Like I'm breathing and feeling and seeing again.   Conference was awesome.  I also came across this quote by Richard G. Scott that really helped.

"Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses simultaneously.  When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more.  He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit.  To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain....  Your Father in Heaven and His Beloved Son love you perfectly.  They would not require you to experience a moment of more difficulty than is absolutely needed for your personal benefit or for that of those you love."

And I wanted to thank you women out there in the blogging world who are fighting this beast of addiction.  Your stories are so powerful.  They are like air for me when I'm drowning.  It is so good to feel like I'm not alone.

All my love.

Elisabeth

Stupid present tense...

I like to write about his addiction in the past tense.  Lesson's I've learned (oh yeah... love the past tense).  Past tense feels like progress.  It means I've learned things from this nightmare.  Maybe I've learned enough that God will take away this stumbling block.  M will be healed and our life will be like one of those awesome "I'm a Mormon" videos.  But really... really we are very much in the present tense.  Stupid, soul crushing, present tense.

I keep thinking we are making progress, moving forward, only to find out we're back at step one.  M slipped up this week and well...let's just say I didn't handle it well.  He's escalating and I'm stuck in this fearful place.  Afraid he'll get worse and our marriage will fail.  Afraid my children will have their hearts broken by this hateful addiction.  Afraid to hope.  I see clearly the lies he tells himself and the highs and lows are devastating.  For both of us.  It's easier to accept that this addiction will always be in our life than to hope for healing.  I'm not sure which one is the more honest view.  My mind and heart don't always agree.  Tonight, I'll hope for my own healing and let Heavenly Father worry about M's.

Infinite

Why does it have to rip your heart out Every. Time.  I want it to be easier as time goes by.  Sometimes I wish I loved him a little less.  Just read an article about "detachment" and thought I could probably use some.  How does Heavenly Father do it?  Infinite love and infinite forgiveness.  Tonight it just feels like infinite heartache.

Words of love

I remember the first time I was able to see past my own hurt and speak words of love.  It was late and dark.  I asked him how his day had gone and his response, full of hesitation and shame, told me all I needed to know.  He'd gone through the cycle again.  That familiar, soul crushing heartache came flooding in, just like it always did, filling my throat with words of pain.   It tasted like agony.. white hot and bitter.  My stomach twisted and I wanted to cry... to scream at him.  This was destroying me.  It was destroying our family! How could he do this to me, to us, again and again and again...

What came out of my mouth instead surprised us both I think. Somehow, through the grace of God,  I was able to swallow my pain and really look at him.  I saw how helpless and full of despair he felt.  Perhaps for the first time I was able to see how miserable, alone, and powerless he had become in the face of this addiction.  Instead of hate, I felt compassion.  Beautiful, soothing, compassion!  I told him that I loved him.  That he could fight this and I would stay here fighting right beside him.  I told him that he was strong, and good, and to please just keep trying!

I understood how we can speak with the tongue of angels.  Words of love are so powerful!  So much more powerful than words of shame.  I also understood how the words we speak can change our heart. In that moment they changed mine.  Do I always remember this?  Of course not.  But I look back on this memory and try a little harder to speak those powerful, healing words of love.

A Recovery Story

Hope you enjoy this.  As I listened to her story I was amazed at how similar our life lessons were.  She is speaking the words of my heart!

The gift of intimacy

So many times after my husband had gone through the cycle of addiction, I wondered if I would ever let him see me again.  I mean...  see my body in all it's imperfection.  I wondered if he would look at me with disappointment and distain because...let's be honest here, this body of mine has birthed children. Lots of them.   I nursed them and raised them, doing all the hard work that we women do.  And, heavens.. that glorious work takes it's toll!

I wondered if he sought out pornography because I was somehow deficient.  Not pretty enough, or sexy enough. And when we made love, in his mind was he always comparing me to these other women?  These false images airbrushed and photoshopped to perfection?  Because, honey, in a side by side comparison, this mature, strong, womanly body of mine would always fail.

I needed to find a way to want to be intimate with him.  To make love with him and not feel cheap or ashamed.

And so I considered what was beautiful to me.  His addiction might taint his idea of beauty for a time, but it doesn't have to color mine.  This amazing body of mine can make temple covenants!  I can birth and care for children.  I have a strong mind, soft skin, and a gentle touch.  I can give and receive love like only a virtuous women can.  I refuse to use intimacy as a reward or punishment.  It will be a gift freely given to show my love.   Regardless of what is going on in his mind, I can still give him the gift of physical intimacy and have it be pure and untainted.  

I realized those feelings of inadequacy regarding my body were a result of me not seeing myself as I really am.  I was letting his addiction color the way I see myself.  So no more of that!  These realizations probably didn't mean a thing to him, but oh how they changed me!  It was another step towards freedom from addiction.  One step closer to being the woman I want to be.

Seeing Addiction For What it is..

At our Stake Conference recently I felt the Holy Ghost confirm to me that to honor my covenants, to truly consecrate myself to the Lord, I need to give Him this as well.  This hard thing I've hidden for so many years.  I need to give Him all I've learned from dealing with my husband's addiction.

One of those lessons is how to look addiction in the face and see it for what it is.  There's freedom in that I suppose. To see something clearly allows you to build on solid ground without the fog of confusion, denial, or false hope.  I see that once a behavior becomes addiction, it is a disease.. not a choice.   This knowledge helps me see him more clearly, blame him less,  and support him more.    In seeing this I can also find hope.  Addiction may be our teacher for our entire life together, but we can learn to manage the symptoms of this disease together.  He may always have a weakness for pornography, but by turning to the Lord daily, he can live symptom free.  Does this qualify as healing?  I believe that it does.

I think about  Paul in the New Testament and his "thorn in the flesh".  There was something he struggled with, prayed with all his heart to be free of, and yet the Lord didn't take it away.  I can only guess at the reasons behind this.  Maybe it kept Paul humble? Or helped him turn to the Lord with his whole heart every day like only adversity can.  Is this the role my husband's addiction will play in my life?  Is this the role his addiction will play for him?

A Letter to LDS Wives About Pornography

I read this article last night A Letter to LDS Wives About Pornography and found it to be tremendously helpful.  I'm understanding addiction a little better every day and am (hopefully) becoming a better wife, mother, and friend because of it.  Oh these hard life lessons!

Before we married he told me.  We talked about it gently with no harsh words like pornography or addiction.  I didn't understand, I don't think he did either, just how devastating this issue would become in our marriage.  I remember the struggle in my heart as I contemplated ending our relationship.  I felt hurt, betrayed, and disappointed, even then.  I also remember choosing to love him in all his imperfection and hoping he would do the same for me.

I've thought about that choice so many times!  I chose to love him then and I still do it today.  He has this disease of addiction that may never go away.  It's caused me more sorrow than I ever could have imagined.  So I study, read, pray, and try to understand.  I lean on the Atonement and move forward.  One day at a time.

Please read that article.  It really helped me and I think it will help you too.

All my love,

Elisabeth

Someone to lean on

I don't know if I'm the right person to address this topic.  Quite frankly, I've been an absolute failure at finding emotional support for myself through my husbands addiction.  It's been me, my husband, and Heavenly Father. Sounds like a perfect team right?   And I know that it is.  Only thing is, women need other women. We are a gift to each other from Heavenly Father.   How I longed for a dear friend to cry with me and help shoulder the burden of sorrow I carried for so many years.  I just didn't know where to look.  Or maybe I was afraid.  I saw women who's marriages fell apart because of addiction and they were filled with bitterness and despair.  Satan used pornography to destroy both husband and wife.  One with addiction and the other with despair, blame and hate.

I now have three dear friends who know about this part of my life and still love and support me and my husband.  Seriously, I get all choked up just thinking about it.  What good, good women and what a gift their friendship is!

My hope in starting this blog is that you might find more support than I did.  Maybe my experience will help you seek a friend sooner.  Maybe we can be that friend for each other.

Love,

Elisabeth

Lessons Learned

I've learned so much in this crazy journey to hope. Although I never would have chosen addiction as a teacher, I can't deny he's taught some powerful lessons. And what good is learning if you can't share it? So you, my friend, get to hear me ramble on about what I've learned. I hope you find my thoughts helpful. Also know that I'm not claiming perfection in any of these lessons. Oh how I wish I could! One last disclaimer; please keep in mind that these lesson do not apply if the relationship is abusive. That's a whole other ball game. As you read this, you might think of lessons you've learned. Please consider sharing them in the comments section. I've set this blog up so you can comment anonymously. I'd truly love to hear your thoughts.

All my love,

Elisabeth



Lessons Learned

1. Pray, study the scriptures, pay a full tithe, attend the temple, and fast regularly. Do everything you can to receive personal revelation and feel the influence of the Holy Ghost.

2. His addiction is not your fault. You can be there to support and encourage him in his efforts to overcome, but this is HIS problem. You neither created nor encouraged it and you are not accountable for his behavior.

3. Pray to see him as the Savior does. Love him! Emotions of hurt, anger, and betrayal can be overpowering but don’t let this shut you down. Withdrawing from the relationship hurts you both.

4. Don’t let his addiction damage your self-esteem. He doesn’t go through the cycle of addiction because of anything you are or are not. He does it because he is addicted.

5. Physical intimacy is not a reward or a punishment for behavior. It’s a gift freely given to show love. His addiction doesn’t taint the sanctity of your gift to him.

6. Words of encouragement and love bring far greater results than words of anger and shame.

7. You can only help him as much as he’ll let you.

8. Support him in setting limits and taking precautions (daily phone calls, internet filters, recognizing triggers, etc.), but if he chooses to ignore them and go through the cycle again, it isn’t your fault.

9. Encourage him to get help. Addiction can’t be overcome alone.

10. Find support for yourself. Pray for guidance in this endeavor. Be careful to find support that is both positive and uplifting.

11. To forgive is a commandment. Disobedience to this commandment brings spiritual death. Satan will use your anger and bitterness to destroy your marriage just as surely as he will use your husband’s addiction.

12. You are not his mother or babysitter, but as his wife, you have every right to ask openly about his progress. Check his internet use and email if or when prompted by the Spirit.

13. Remember to step back and look at his progress over time. Is he progressively improving? Slow progress is still progress.

14. Find joy in your life and don’t let his addiction determine your attitude and outlook.

15. You have to let go. This is the hardest part! Let go of your hurt, shame, blame, and need to control. Let the Atonement work in your life and give your marriage to God. Have Faith in His love and know that He has a plan for you. I promise you! He does.

My story

My dear friend,
I'm writing this letter to you as if we are dear friends.  If you're reading this, we may share a trial.  A trial that can bind our hearts together in love and support for one another.  I want to share my story with you. My hope is by hearing a small part of it, you’ll take something away that will strengthen and encourage you in your own battle. I want you to know that you’re not alone in this struggle. My husband’s addiction to pornography has been the hardest thing I have ever faced. I know there are countless other women fighting right along with us for their marriages and for their precious self-esteem. It’s been almost thirteen years now and I think I can finally say that by the power of the Atonement and Grace of Jesus Christ, I have found healing. My husband still struggles at times, but he is making progress. Wonderful, glorious progress!
I knew about his “problem” shortly before we married. Of course, at that time we never would have called it an addiction. He assured me that after we married it wouldn’t be a problem any longer. To his credit, I really think he believed this. I knew what a good and kind man he was and how hard he was trying to live the gospel. Our relationship was young, but built on respect and honesty. The Holy Ghost confirmed to me that we should marry and so a few months later we did.
It took a couple of years before I realized he was still viewing pornography and a couple more years before he could admit this truly was an addiction. I don’t know if I can even express in words the pain and betrayal I felt. It was humiliating to me that he would seek out pictures of other women; women with whom I felt I could never compare physically. I grew embarrassed of my own glorious body and felt ashamed to have him look at me. As he viewed pornography and lost the companionship of the Spirit, he would grow increasingly critical of me. I started to believe that if only I were better looking, or a better lover…a more supportive wife in whatever way… then he wouldn’t need to view pornography. This is such a lie, but at that time, I believed it.
Years passed and although I still loved him and tried to have hope that he would drop this hateful habit, I couldn’t stop the feelings of betrayal from eating away at me. I didn’t trust him and spent each day worrying that while he was away from me he was “messing up.” I would plead with the Lord to strengthen him while he was away and then feel my heart break when I realized he’d gone through the cycle again. In a sense, I began holding myself accountable for the way he exercised his agency. His sins suddenly became my responsibility. I hadn’t prayed hard enough or done enough to stop this. Again, another lie Satan was using to try to destroy our family. I also didn’t trust his worthiness to exercise the Priesthood. I hated to ask for blessings for the kids or for myself. He had started lying to me occasionally about his worthiness and I never really knew where he was spiritually. I finally came to the point where I felt I couldn’t stay. The daily heartache I was feeling, the constant worry, and the lack of trust felt too heavy to bear. I told him if he did it one more time I would take the kids and leave him. I was earnest in my threat and although this didn’t change him overnight, it did drive home to him just how much he had to lose. Around this time a change came over me as well. I don’t know exactly how or when it happened, but I thank Heavenly Father every day for this realization. I began to realize that this was his problem. Sounds so simple doesn’t it? My head always knew this, but it took a long time for my heart to catch up. I had no control over him. His shame was not my shame. And because this was his problem, I could be there to support and encourage him without the crushing weight of his sins on my shoulders. When he went through the cycle I was able to see that it had nothing to do with me. He didn’t do it because of anything I was or wasn’t. He did it because he was addicted to pornography.
Through the Grace of God I was able to set aside the humiliation I felt and see how much he needed my love and encouragement. Because of his past choices he had given up a part of his ability to choose. And it takes time and tremendous struggle to get that back. Satan doesn’t give it up easily. Addiction takes time to overcome, but it can be overcome! I still believe this. In the past, I kept hoping that somehow he would know the agony his behavior caused me and this would be enough to make him stop. In my naivety, I truly didn’t understand addiction. The very nature of the behavior is selfishness. He was not thinking of me, or my pain, when he was in the cycle of addiction. And truthfully, he will probably never know the depth of the agony I felt and still feel sometimes.
I was also able to see again some of the many wonderful qualities he possessed. Things I knew were there, but hadn’t been able to see in a while. He was a tender, loving father to our children and a gentle, kind man. He loved the scriptures and despite his addiction, he was trying to repent and improve each day. Instead of becoming overwhelmed by my own feelings of hurt and shame, I tried to think of him. I told him often how strong he was; how I knew he could overcome this if he just kept trying. I encouraged him to get help with his addiction. Doing these things helped him, but more that that, they helped me. My heart began to heal. Although the trust didn’t necessarily come back in our relationship, I was able to let the hurt go.
It’s been almost thirteen years. We’ve come along way and I can honestly say I think we have a great marriage. I know he’ll always have a weakness for pornography and if he strays from the Spirit, this is probably where his mind will turn. So we work hard together to stay close to the Spirit. I understand the power of the Atonement better now and I love my Savior with a love I never knew was possible. In my weakness, I tried to take my husbands sins upon my shoulders and it very nearly destroyed me. I’m in awe that one Man could have the strength and love to take the world’s sins upon His shoulders. He did that for me and for my family! The Atonement is so merciful, so beautiful, and so very personal!
Dear Friend, I hope my letter has helped you in some small way. Please know that the Lord loves you. You are beautiful and glorious and so very, very precious to Him. I have felt His love for me and I know He loves His children with a tenderness that is unmatched. Please have hope and know that the addiction of pornography can be overcome. Although I haven’t seen this fully in my husbands life, I have faith in the Atonement of the Savior and I believe in His power. I know that all sin can be overcome and this includes addiction to pornography. Please also remember that we are responsible for our own sins and nobody else’s. I pray that your loved one will seek the Savior in overcoming his addiction to pornography and that you will seek Him to heal your own heart. Our Savior created the Earth and ALL things in it. I know He can help and heal you.

With much love and tenderness,

Elisabeth

A day for beginnings

Today is a day for beginning.  For beginning this blog I've felt prompted to start for over a year.  A place I can share my journey to hope.  It's what I seek most.   Hope.  I'm always looking for it and hope is what I want to share with you. Some days I hold it close and it comforts me.  Other days hope's harder to find.  As much as I want it to be, addiction isn’t overcome in a day. We've been married for thirteen years and there have been times when I wondered if we would make it.  His addiction to pornography is the hardest thing we’ve ever gone through.  I say “we” because we’re both fighting this war.  We are in it together.  He fights his addiction Every. Day.  I fight for the hope, strength, and courage I need to support him through it.  I know the statistics aren’t in our favor, but I believe in something they don’t.  I believe in a God of miracles!  A God who created the Heaven, Earth, and everything in it.  Surely He can help us!  As long as my husband keeps fighting, so will I.  He is the man I want to spend eternity with.  So we both fight our demons and lean on one another for support. I'm sharing our story not because it is a perfect one, rather because it is a story of  struggle, forgiveness and hope.

With all my love,

Elisabeth