My story

My dear friend,
I'm writing this letter to you as if we are dear friends.  If you're reading this, we may share a trial.  A trial that can bind our hearts together in love and support for one another.  I want to share my story with you. My hope is by hearing a small part of it, you’ll take something away that will strengthen and encourage you in your own battle. I want you to know that you’re not alone in this struggle. My husband’s addiction to pornography has been the hardest thing I have ever faced. I know there are countless other women fighting right along with us for their marriages and for their precious self-esteem. It’s been almost thirteen years now and I think I can finally say that by the power of the Atonement and Grace of Jesus Christ, I have found healing. My husband still struggles at times, but he is making progress. Wonderful, glorious progress!
I knew about his “problem” shortly before we married. Of course, at that time we never would have called it an addiction. He assured me that after we married it wouldn’t be a problem any longer. To his credit, I really think he believed this. I knew what a good and kind man he was and how hard he was trying to live the gospel. Our relationship was young, but built on respect and honesty. The Holy Ghost confirmed to me that we should marry and so a few months later we did.
It took a couple of years before I realized he was still viewing pornography and a couple more years before he could admit this truly was an addiction. I don’t know if I can even express in words the pain and betrayal I felt. It was humiliating to me that he would seek out pictures of other women; women with whom I felt I could never compare physically. I grew embarrassed of my own glorious body and felt ashamed to have him look at me. As he viewed pornography and lost the companionship of the Spirit, he would grow increasingly critical of me. I started to believe that if only I were better looking, or a better lover…a more supportive wife in whatever way… then he wouldn’t need to view pornography. This is such a lie, but at that time, I believed it.
Years passed and although I still loved him and tried to have hope that he would drop this hateful habit, I couldn’t stop the feelings of betrayal from eating away at me. I didn’t trust him and spent each day worrying that while he was away from me he was “messing up.” I would plead with the Lord to strengthen him while he was away and then feel my heart break when I realized he’d gone through the cycle again. In a sense, I began holding myself accountable for the way he exercised his agency. His sins suddenly became my responsibility. I hadn’t prayed hard enough or done enough to stop this. Again, another lie Satan was using to try to destroy our family. I also didn’t trust his worthiness to exercise the Priesthood. I hated to ask for blessings for the kids or for myself. He had started lying to me occasionally about his worthiness and I never really knew where he was spiritually. I finally came to the point where I felt I couldn’t stay. The daily heartache I was feeling, the constant worry, and the lack of trust felt too heavy to bear. I told him if he did it one more time I would take the kids and leave him. I was earnest in my threat and although this didn’t change him overnight, it did drive home to him just how much he had to lose. Around this time a change came over me as well. I don’t know exactly how or when it happened, but I thank Heavenly Father every day for this realization. I began to realize that this was his problem. Sounds so simple doesn’t it? My head always knew this, but it took a long time for my heart to catch up. I had no control over him. His shame was not my shame. And because this was his problem, I could be there to support and encourage him without the crushing weight of his sins on my shoulders. When he went through the cycle I was able to see that it had nothing to do with me. He didn’t do it because of anything I was or wasn’t. He did it because he was addicted to pornography.
Through the Grace of God I was able to set aside the humiliation I felt and see how much he needed my love and encouragement. Because of his past choices he had given up a part of his ability to choose. And it takes time and tremendous struggle to get that back. Satan doesn’t give it up easily. Addiction takes time to overcome, but it can be overcome! I still believe this. In the past, I kept hoping that somehow he would know the agony his behavior caused me and this would be enough to make him stop. In my naivety, I truly didn’t understand addiction. The very nature of the behavior is selfishness. He was not thinking of me, or my pain, when he was in the cycle of addiction. And truthfully, he will probably never know the depth of the agony I felt and still feel sometimes.
I was also able to see again some of the many wonderful qualities he possessed. Things I knew were there, but hadn’t been able to see in a while. He was a tender, loving father to our children and a gentle, kind man. He loved the scriptures and despite his addiction, he was trying to repent and improve each day. Instead of becoming overwhelmed by my own feelings of hurt and shame, I tried to think of him. I told him often how strong he was; how I knew he could overcome this if he just kept trying. I encouraged him to get help with his addiction. Doing these things helped him, but more that that, they helped me. My heart began to heal. Although the trust didn’t necessarily come back in our relationship, I was able to let the hurt go.
It’s been almost thirteen years. We’ve come along way and I can honestly say I think we have a great marriage. I know he’ll always have a weakness for pornography and if he strays from the Spirit, this is probably where his mind will turn. So we work hard together to stay close to the Spirit. I understand the power of the Atonement better now and I love my Savior with a love I never knew was possible. In my weakness, I tried to take my husbands sins upon my shoulders and it very nearly destroyed me. I’m in awe that one Man could have the strength and love to take the world’s sins upon His shoulders. He did that for me and for my family! The Atonement is so merciful, so beautiful, and so very personal!
Dear Friend, I hope my letter has helped you in some small way. Please know that the Lord loves you. You are beautiful and glorious and so very, very precious to Him. I have felt His love for me and I know He loves His children with a tenderness that is unmatched. Please have hope and know that the addiction of pornography can be overcome. Although I haven’t seen this fully in my husbands life, I have faith in the Atonement of the Savior and I believe in His power. I know that all sin can be overcome and this includes addiction to pornography. Please also remember that we are responsible for our own sins and nobody else’s. I pray that your loved one will seek the Savior in overcoming his addiction to pornography and that you will seek Him to heal your own heart. Our Savior created the Earth and ALL things in it. I know He can help and heal you.

With much love and tenderness,

Elisabeth