I like to write about his addiction in the past tense. Lesson's I've learned (oh yeah... love the past tense). Past tense feels like progress. It means I've learned things from this nightmare. Maybe I've learned enough that God will take away this stumbling block. M will be healed and our life will be like one of those awesome "I'm a Mormon" videos. But really... really we are very much in the present tense. Stupid, soul crushing, present tense.
I keep thinking we are making progress, moving forward, only to find out we're back at step one. M slipped up this week and well...let's just say I didn't handle it well. He's escalating and I'm stuck in this fearful place. Afraid he'll get worse and our marriage will fail. Afraid my children will have their hearts broken by this hateful addiction. Afraid to hope. I see clearly the lies he tells himself and the highs and lows are devastating. For both of us. It's easier to accept that this addiction will always be in our life than to hope for healing. I'm not sure which one is the more honest view. My mind and heart don't always agree. Tonight, I'll hope for my own healing and let Heavenly Father worry about M's.
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