Lessons Learned

I've learned so much in this crazy journey to hope. Although I never would have chosen addiction as a teacher, I can't deny he's taught some powerful lessons. And what good is learning if you can't share it? So you, my friend, get to hear me ramble on about what I've learned. I hope you find my thoughts helpful. Also know that I'm not claiming perfection in any of these lessons. Oh how I wish I could! One last disclaimer; please keep in mind that these lesson do not apply if the relationship is abusive. That's a whole other ball game. As you read this, you might think of lessons you've learned. Please consider sharing them in the comments section. I've set this blog up so you can comment anonymously. I'd truly love to hear your thoughts.

All my love,

Elisabeth



Lessons Learned

1. Pray, study the scriptures, pay a full tithe, attend the temple, and fast regularly. Do everything you can to receive personal revelation and feel the influence of the Holy Ghost.

2. His addiction is not your fault. You can be there to support and encourage him in his efforts to overcome, but this is HIS problem. You neither created nor encouraged it and you are not accountable for his behavior.

3. Pray to see him as the Savior does. Love him! Emotions of hurt, anger, and betrayal can be overpowering but don’t let this shut you down. Withdrawing from the relationship hurts you both.

4. Don’t let his addiction damage your self-esteem. He doesn’t go through the cycle of addiction because of anything you are or are not. He does it because he is addicted.

5. Physical intimacy is not a reward or a punishment for behavior. It’s a gift freely given to show love. His addiction doesn’t taint the sanctity of your gift to him.

6. Words of encouragement and love bring far greater results than words of anger and shame.

7. You can only help him as much as he’ll let you.

8. Support him in setting limits and taking precautions (daily phone calls, internet filters, recognizing triggers, etc.), but if he chooses to ignore them and go through the cycle again, it isn’t your fault.

9. Encourage him to get help. Addiction can’t be overcome alone.

10. Find support for yourself. Pray for guidance in this endeavor. Be careful to find support that is both positive and uplifting.

11. To forgive is a commandment. Disobedience to this commandment brings spiritual death. Satan will use your anger and bitterness to destroy your marriage just as surely as he will use your husband’s addiction.

12. You are not his mother or babysitter, but as his wife, you have every right to ask openly about his progress. Check his internet use and email if or when prompted by the Spirit.

13. Remember to step back and look at his progress over time. Is he progressively improving? Slow progress is still progress.

14. Find joy in your life and don’t let his addiction determine your attitude and outlook.

15. You have to let go. This is the hardest part! Let go of your hurt, shame, blame, and need to control. Let the Atonement work in your life and give your marriage to God. Have Faith in His love and know that He has a plan for you. I promise you! He does.