Seeing Addiction For What it is..

At our Stake Conference recently I felt the Holy Ghost confirm to me that to honor my covenants, to truly consecrate myself to the Lord, I need to give Him this as well.  This hard thing I've hidden for so many years.  I need to give Him all I've learned from dealing with my husband's addiction.

One of those lessons is how to look addiction in the face and see it for what it is.  There's freedom in that I suppose. To see something clearly allows you to build on solid ground without the fog of confusion, denial, or false hope.  I see that once a behavior becomes addiction, it is a disease.. not a choice.   This knowledge helps me see him more clearly, blame him less,  and support him more.    In seeing this I can also find hope.  Addiction may be our teacher for our entire life together, but we can learn to manage the symptoms of this disease together.  He may always have a weakness for pornography, but by turning to the Lord daily, he can live symptom free.  Does this qualify as healing?  I believe that it does.

I think about  Paul in the New Testament and his "thorn in the flesh".  There was something he struggled with, prayed with all his heart to be free of, and yet the Lord didn't take it away.  I can only guess at the reasons behind this.  Maybe it kept Paul humble? Or helped him turn to the Lord with his whole heart every day like only adversity can.  Is this the role my husband's addiction will play in my life?  Is this the role his addiction will play for him?

A Letter to LDS Wives About Pornography

I read this article last night A Letter to LDS Wives About Pornography and found it to be tremendously helpful.  I'm understanding addiction a little better every day and am (hopefully) becoming a better wife, mother, and friend because of it.  Oh these hard life lessons!

Before we married he told me.  We talked about it gently with no harsh words like pornography or addiction.  I didn't understand, I don't think he did either, just how devastating this issue would become in our marriage.  I remember the struggle in my heart as I contemplated ending our relationship.  I felt hurt, betrayed, and disappointed, even then.  I also remember choosing to love him in all his imperfection and hoping he would do the same for me.

I've thought about that choice so many times!  I chose to love him then and I still do it today.  He has this disease of addiction that may never go away.  It's caused me more sorrow than I ever could have imagined.  So I study, read, pray, and try to understand.  I lean on the Atonement and move forward.  One day at a time.

Please read that article.  It really helped me and I think it will help you too.

All my love,

Elisabeth