The gift of intimacy

So many times after my husband had gone through the cycle of addiction, I wondered if I would ever let him see me again.  I mean...  see my body in all it's imperfection.  I wondered if he would look at me with disappointment and distain because...let's be honest here, this body of mine has birthed children. Lots of them.   I nursed them and raised them, doing all the hard work that we women do.  And, heavens.. that glorious work takes it's toll!

I wondered if he sought out pornography because I was somehow deficient.  Not pretty enough, or sexy enough. And when we made love, in his mind was he always comparing me to these other women?  These false images airbrushed and photoshopped to perfection?  Because, honey, in a side by side comparison, this mature, strong, womanly body of mine would always fail.

I needed to find a way to want to be intimate with him.  To make love with him and not feel cheap or ashamed.

And so I considered what was beautiful to me.  His addiction might taint his idea of beauty for a time, but it doesn't have to color mine.  This amazing body of mine can make temple covenants!  I can birth and care for children.  I have a strong mind, soft skin, and a gentle touch.  I can give and receive love like only a virtuous women can.  I refuse to use intimacy as a reward or punishment.  It will be a gift freely given to show my love.   Regardless of what is going on in his mind, I can still give him the gift of physical intimacy and have it be pure and untainted.  

I realized those feelings of inadequacy regarding my body were a result of me not seeing myself as I really am.  I was letting his addiction color the way I see myself.  So no more of that!  These realizations probably didn't mean a thing to him, but oh how they changed me!  It was another step towards freedom from addiction.  One step closer to being the woman I want to be.